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Blades of Glory

U.S. Release Date: 3/30/07
Running Time: 1:33
Rated: PG-13 (Crude humor, profanity, sexual references)

Cast: Will Ferrell, Jon Heder, Will Arnett, Amy Poehler, Jenna Fischer, William Fichtner, Craig T. Nelson

Directors: Josh Gordon, Will Speck
Screenplay: Jeff Cox & Craig Cox and John Altschuler & David Krinsky
Music: Theodore Shapiro
Studio: Paramount Pictures

Blades of Glory is easily analogous to the recent flood of sports comedies (i.e. Talladega Nights, The Benchwarmers, Dodgeball, Kicking and Screaming, etc.). It’s yet another attempt in a genre that requires you to be either in the mood for a few chuckles or ready to declare the experience stupid.

Keeping this philosophy in mind, if you’re in the mental state for Ferrell’s usual antics, you’ll place the cheese and zingers in the forefront and leave pleased. Otherwise, you’ll be mildly thankful for the handful of one-liners and dissatisfied with the exaggerated wit.

Mirroring Talladega Nights and Dodgeball, Blade of Glory accomplishes much of the same. It palms the shortcomings of an off-kilter sport and squeezes—allowing the juices of hilarity to drip. While Blades of Glory has all the right moves to be a comedic glitz and glam ice show, it is, for the most part, amateur.

Chazz Michael Michaels (Will Ferrell) is an underground skater and porn star. Known as an “ice-devouring sex tornado” who smells like “aftershave and taco meat,” Chazz’s personal philosophy is “Clothing optional.” Jimmy MacElroy (Jon Heder) is a spoon-fed orphan skater who was adopted by a star-raising millionaire, Darren MacElroy (William Fichtner). Jimmy is an effeminate, technical skater and Chazz’s arch nemesis.

After both skaters are permanently removed from men’s singles figure-skating for fighting, Chazz and Jimmy discover a loop-hole in the system—allowing them to get back into the game as a male/male pair. However, they must defeat the famous Van Waldenberg duo of Stranz (Will Arnett) and Fairchild (Amy Poehler). Additionally, they must overcome both Katie Van Waldenberg (Jenna Fischer) serving as a spy/spoiler and their sub-par practice facility: a storage shed that their coach (Craig T. Nelson) flooded with a garden hose.

Disappointingly, the majority of Blades’ side characters are distracting and unnecessary. For example, Hector the Stalker is absolutely pointless to the plot—reminding viewers of Nick Swardson’s former role as Howie in The Benchwarmers. Jenna Fischer is so sexy, but needless as Jimmy’s love interest. The very idea of throwing this relationship into the mix is gratuitous. The only core connection that matters is that of Chazz and Jimmy. After all, who wants to see Pam and Napoleon make out?

In fact, aside from Will Ferrell and Jon Heder, the film is almost Blades of Snory. The only amusing side note comes in having Ferrell and Heder’s characters call Craig T. Nelson “coach.” Even real-life husband and wife Will Arnett and Amy Poehler are merely mediocre as the Van Waldenberg brother and sister team. Considering Arnett and Poehler serve as the villainous rivals, one would think that the writers mistook the word villainous for snobbish.

Forgetting the main players, Blades of Glory is chock full of ice skating stars—Scott Hamilton, Peggy Fleming, Dorothy Hamill, Brian Boitano, Sasha Cohen, and Nancy Kerrigan to name a few. Furthermore, the faces of Andy Richter and Luke Wilson stop by for a cameo appearance.

Predictably, Blades of Glory results in your typical gold metal triumph and closes in an insanely over-the-top final sequence. In addition, with its overwhelming aura of homoeroticism, Blades of Glory strives to make the likes of Johnny Weir applaud with glee. Even so, Blades of Glory is nearly as good as stupid can get. In the long run, it generally makes one long for the fun found in the NES game of a similar name.

While some might say that the script could use another pass by the zamboni, others might agree that the film’s faults can be ignored, because Blades of Glory never takes itself too seriously. I suppose there is merit in this statement. But, when you have to dig deep or wait for the ice to melt to see the value, your time could be better spent.

Overall, Blades is a crystal clear example of a riotous concept built for box-office success, not favorable reviews. Putting myself in the shoes of a brutally honest figure-skating judge, I give the performance a 3.0 mark on the 6.0 scale.